About “productivity”.

dearjimmoriarty:

shutupjames:

youarenotyou:

What does it mean to be “productive”?

As someone who has struggled with life-long depression, and other problems that cause a depletion of spoons, one of the ways that I’ve shamed myself most is with this idea of productivity: feeling low when I believe I haven’t been productive enough. And I hear this a lot from other people too, especially people with disabilities.

The notion of productivity is rooted in capitalist (and, it follows, ableist) ideas about an individual’s value. It is important that we be “productive”, not only when we are at work, but at all times. And what does it mean to be productive? When we are hard on ourselves for not being productive enough, what do we mean? We can try to define what productivity means for ourselves on an individual level, but I don’t believe we can separate it from the aforementioned capitalist and ableist ideas. Especially for those of us struggling with disabilities, I think this is one of the biggest, most common, and frequently unchallenged ways of internalizing ableism and perpetuating it on ourselves and others.

Defining what productivity means might be easier if we look at what it isn’t. Sitting online all day, playing games, watching television, watching movies, sleeping, relaxing, doing anything passive – I’ve seen all of these things frequently branded as “unproductive” when people criticize themselves (or others) for how they use their non-working/unstructured time. Things that don’t have a clearly defined goal. Do you have a huge to-do list that doesn’t include taking time out of the day and being kind to yourself? Do you typically not cross off most of the things on that list, and then feel upset over it, like you’ve wasted your day?

Productivity, for you, might mean engaging in active hobbies or running errands. It might mean working non-stop at multiple jobs, constant research, having several projects on the go, organizing and initiating rallies, or conducting one workshop after another. Being “productive” never includes self care. I see many creative people who are hard on themselves for not producing enough, especially if their reason for not doing so involves mental health struggles. As if we are mini assembly lines. Subconsciously comparing ourselves to mass production factories, which we will never be able to imitate because of the limitations of being a single person.

Capitalism has seeped into our lives so deeply that we don’t even realize what we’re doing when we talk about wanting to be more productive or shame ourselves for not being productive enough. We forget to take time to relax and take care of ourselves because we are so concerned with meeting quotas in our heads for productivity. Do your self-care rituals stand in opposition to your ideas of what productivity looks like? Why isn’t it productive to take care of ourselves?

Let’s stop pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Let’s fight back against this notion of productivity, against the idea that our value lies in what we “get done” every day. Let’s start working on loving ourselves as we are and giving ourselves some breathing room.

This is important for me and everybody I love!

reblogging again because self-care is important!

This so much. I give myself so much self-care time at home and don’t feel bad about it (eg. not leaving the house until like 4+ pm doing whatever I feel like doing, lol), but in the US it’s seen as super lazy.

For all they know, I could be knitting, watching Dr. Who, coding, creating art, being stoned and listening to music, cooking up some fanshy-shmancy meal (or looking up recipes for said meals), and/or reading - all while feeling awesome and taking care of myself. And if I decide to bum around since 6-7 am - because I wake up at that time no matter what - doing little in my bed, so be it, the world goes on. It’s just important not get trapped in such ways.

The world is too tolling and has too much going on for me to be able to be 100% out and about currently. ADHD, dysthymia and transition have gotten the best of me, and this is a great way for me to work through the emotional roller coaster that has been the last year.

Edit: I’d like to add that the whole constant productivity thing, particularly pertaining to US culture, doesn’t necessarily stem from capitalism, but instead puritan worth ethics. Capitalism just furthered those values to an extremely unhealthy degree.

comic drawing!

fuckyeahftms:

And now for something completely different in the stream of photos. An illustration! A while ago, I made a short (4-pages) comic about a ftm boy and I would like to share the third page with you!

pansy-boy:

Recently in queer and gay spaces I’ve been hesitant to kiss girls. Mostly because when I do I reckon it instantly stops me from being read as a gay boy and makes people read me as a “dyke”.

I’ve been trying to look more at why I do this. I think in some ways I am literally desperate to explore more of my gay sexuality, particularly with cis guys and getting with girls so openly is detrimental to that.

I feel you so much. As much as I’d like to get with a girl, I don’t want to get read as a dyke and the thought of getting read that way freaks me out. It totally invalidates my identity. It’s been over a year since I’ve even kissed a lady-identified person…

I could go on forever on this (and I’m sure I will some time in the future), but right now it’s nap time. I’m still a bit jet-lagged from flying to Europe.

Ahh Paris is so wonderful!

Getting out of Boston is just what I needed. Also, everyone is so nicely dressed and attractive here… :)

Today marks one year since I came out to my parents.

Sadly, I can’t say things have substantially improved. At least they are no longer threatening to cut me off if I started testosterone, seeing as I’m sitting here nearly 8 months on T and they’re stil supporting me monetarily.

For the most part anyways. There was a short period where I had to pay for everything right before I came back to university. But I wouldn’t have been put into that position in the first place hadn’t those threats and the emotional abuse force me to go get a full-time job and plunged me into depression. All which lead me to having to drop out of college for a semester because I couldn’t even get myself to do homework or go to class despite taking twice the amount of ADHD meds prescribed to me. Then they end up telling me that it’s my own fault that they reacted poorly and that their lack of support (and constant scorning) should not affect my moods. Bull. Shit.

I’d be lying if I wasn’t resentful towards my parents about how they handled all me coming out as trans. Their sadness about all of this ends up getting projected as anger towards me rather than trying to accept or at least ask about it in a respectful way. I think of how much easier this past year would’ve been had they have been minimally supportive, and it makes me really frustrated.

My parents have no sort of religious or, in general, moral views that would make them not to even try to learn. There was one single attempt. They went to see some therapists at some gender clinic in Mexico City that fed them bullshit (eg. people shouldn’t go on hormones until they’re 25) and accused my therapist of not being qualified. Because obviously being program coordinator for Fenway Health’s Transgender Health program isn’t enough proof that she has some idea of what she’s talking about. Not that it matters, because they stopped going 3 weeks or so after starting.

It makes me so incredibly frustrated that I felt and feel so held back by my parents. It’s because I care about them and what they have to say. They’ll never admit that whatever they said could’ve actually triggered an episode of major depression amidst everything else I was going through (oh, forget the fact that people with dysthymia are a lot more likely to get a major depressive episode). That wouldn’t be able to change the past anyhow, so I don’t know of what use it would be. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much about them. I do, after all, consider my mom as one of my best friends making this all harder.

I don’t know what to make of it all. I apologize for venting, I needed it.